It's Been

It's been...

4.5 months since my last purge

1 year, 2.5 months since my last cut

But

I feel like a failure

I don't know how to breathe

I don't know how to live drug free

I've went

Over one year since my last suicide attempt,

probably my fifth or sixth...

I don't understand

Where did my happiness go? 

I had it just the other week

Drugs can't seem to fix me. 

Bring me strength

For I am weak

I can't even last a week

At least not being drug free.

I need these

Feelings to stop, to cease quickly

Addictions to leave abruptly, 

Moments to exit from my life

These thoughts and feelings don't match me

They define me as is

Telling who I'll never be...
I'll never truly be drug free

Never not a cutter, never not a purger. 

I'm not sure I think before I speak. 

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Written May 13th/ 2013