Choke

So who am I really

Was I this when I started?

I just popped some pills, were you countin? 

This broken teenaged adult mutant addicted to more than a few

Drugs always available, hopping out of their bottles, diving down my throat, it makes me choke 

Knowing that my high is too high, 

And day becomes night 

Im tired

Of pretending I'm alright

I guess it's time to go, 

I will be taking flight 

Searching the heavens my heart left behind

I wonder if I can still hit rewind 

They tell me therapy cures 

And rehab for sure 

But did anyone ever know 

How the stakes go from so high to so low 

An instant changing all

When from a too high high, you fall

Speculate

I wonder sometimes
Do they wonder? Should they?
Do I matter much

Won't

My duty not done

Life so brilliant, just begun

I need sanity

Can't

I couldn't kill I

Eye for I keeps me alive

Dying so sweetly

Suicidal

I'm suicidal

Nothing new, just usual

I don't want this back

Exchange

It's the second day

Why do I still feel this way?
Happy but still sad

Relapse

Where's my happiness?

I swear I had it last week

Drugs haven't yet fixed me! 

It's Been

It's been...

4.5 months since my last purge

1 year, 2.5 months since my last cut

But

I feel like a failure

I don't know how to breathe

I don't know how to live drug free

I've went

Over one year since my last suicide attempt,

probably my fifth or sixth...

I don't understand

Where did my happiness go? 

I had it just the other week

Drugs can't seem to fix me. 

Bring me strength

For I am weak

I can't even last a week

At least not being drug free.

I need these

Feelings to stop, to cease quickly

Addictions to leave abruptly, 

Moments to exit from my life

These thoughts and feelings don't match me

They define me as is

Telling who I'll never be...
I'll never truly be drug free

Never not a cutter, never not a purger. 

I'm not sure I think before I speak. 

-------

Written May 13th/ 2013

Fly

As I stand
Somewhere
Underground
Where subways run
I hold back others
And hold back myself
But mostly others
Because I know
That people,
People jump
And they jump fast
Anxiety races
I'm scared
Feelings overwhelm
Do I jump or no
Alive or dead
I'll never know
Who I truly am
Where I belong
And where I stand
Knowing many died
Jumping in front
Like I want
Though do I want
I think I know
My life flashes
Before dull eyes
That are tired and weary
From living such ways
And living to die
But in this moment
I'm weak
And I want to jump
I wish to fly. 

Note

Broken bracelet
Shattered realities
My letter
Was my peace
Now scattered
Through underground streets
Toronto's subways blessed with a treat
My sense of safe
Forever beneath

He asks how do I feel
I need
Is this rational I wonder
Or is it greed
Part of me destroyed
Or released

I ponder

It is regular to associate hurt with worth
Right, gone
Peace all along
I feel deceased

Monster

High

I'm soaring 

Through innocent minds

As a role model

I am surely not one

I'm a monster and addict alike

With a mind that spins 

Living and breathing insecurities

A role model 

I am

Not