Work in Progress

These days I have more questions than answers,
In some ways I find myself lucky to be alive.
Never stop learning,
And never decide to stop working.

I never asked for life,
Though I've stopped asking for death.
I guess all in all,
I'm just a work in progress.

Learning to survive is hard
In life, I must learn to keep mind.
Find where I belong,
Learn to live blind.

Staying the same is poison
Deathly, and life defying.
To mimic is to kill inside
I can tell you what it's like to have died.

A poem, a work,
Defines no man,
Makes life clear,
When clouds surround.

Change is necessary
Though hovering is practical
Choices are hard to make,
Though we are forced at such a young age.

I'll never know where I stand until I fall
Jumping never seemed to fit the mould
Until then on life I will trespass,
I guess all in all, I'm still just a work in progress.

~Megan Antoinette

Placebo

Your eyes wrinkle and your head sways,
Under the influence, you are.
In time, I feel my body changing;
Slowly morphing, imitating your ways.

I feel strongly the effects,
As my mind nonchalantly roars inability.
Your intoxication is contagious
It's the placebo effect.

Twenty Six

Some nights,

As I lay,

I question my existence.

No longer do I know,

As I listen to poets share,

How I am one of them.

I do not care to know

What my title is,

Or where my words come from.

Yet I desire to find words worth repeating,

Or words only meant to be said once.

Twenty six letters,

Are the cause of translation, and poetic creation.

No more fluid than a body,

Gliding across a stage,

Though poetry has no applause.

It sinks down through my soul,

It grabs hold, makes a clink,

When it touches the ground I forget to thank.

And I so willingly overlook

The words inside me swell,

They break as balloons when humbled.
Dreams crushed, I realize,

That those twenty six letters are who I am.
I remember,

The day when I decided I was more.

More than the nothingness I always said I was,

And that in that moment,

My words could explain.
I stood silently,

Body positioned awkwardly,

And those letters told the world bold words;

It only took four of those letters to exclaim:       
I am me. 

~Megan Antoinette

Meeting

Friday morning we meet,

Cheery eyed, ready to explore my mind,

Saturday night I tear myself to shreds

Knowing I won't see you until that next Friday morning 

And I'm taken aback by my helplessness 

Filled with regret

Together we learn much,

Alone I learn meekly, no great sum of knowledge,

Nothing obtained, simply siphoned 

In your office I am safe,

Surrounded, and easily calmed

The world is far from this place 

Cold and unforgiving, 

It thrives in my failure, revels in my weakness

But you are caring,

Your space feels comforting

Once left, air becomes frigid again

Old pains are renewed, previous thoughts made true

Once left I'm back the mess I was once

I fear always I will be this person

And never will it truly change 

Happiness isn't always,

But neither should sadness be 

Dark willows cloud my weary thoughts

Who is the being I see 

Who is it really when I look at me? 

That Friday meeting a week away

I wonder in that time, how often my mind will stray 

Gone

Gone

It’s hard to understand

When your presence is so well known

How far could you have gone?

You are one of the angels now

Not long since your passing

God’s equipped with you in tow,

Why you left, God only knows

Through hearts you live on

Memories shan't fade easily

You made an impact on the world

Through your dialogue, and in your word

Tucking my hand into yours

I feel the pulse though your skin,

Now you sit in heaven,

While I try to feel you once again

Your end was peaceful so I'm told,

Is that what it’s like to grow old?

To leave a mark like you did in life,

One like me could only strive

Dearly missed and never forgotten

You shall stay bright even when life feels dull,

Your heart always shows,

Through everything, your memory glows.

RIP Margaret Isobel French ♥

Home

Homesick off the thought of your lives moving on,

While mine rediscovers it's loneliness,

Impossible depressions taking over my being,

I couldn't bear the thought of you seeing.

There's you, keeping distance,

Keeping happy, why would I stop you?
I simply miss touch, 

I miss your hugs, 

The fact that your heart has always been my second home, 

And that's where my heart roams 

It's my safety net. 

It's the missing of everything and everyone I've loved, 

For a short time only, 

I remember the good that comes of all of this, 

Then I am thrown back into forgetfulness, 

Regret, why did I go, how come I didn't stay, 

I'm missing everything I dreamed of having, 

It's paralysing,
Lonliness is intoxicating, 

I miss having your arms be my home.

Insanity

The world spins,
Uncontrollably bringing me sadness,
Contagious I am,
Flooding over me is insanity.
Mind a whirl wind idea of hope
Until I realize I'm sober
I reach the end of my rope
As I understand nothing of how I am.
My mind wanders into ideas of honesty,
Being honest about who I am, but I wonder still,
Why when I am still,
Does my mind wander in uncertainty?
A sober human with a mind that roars intoxication,
Bringing unsteadiness, weakness, and the feeling of being dizzy,
But I am sober.
This makes me desire the feeling
I want it to grow stronger
So I have to work harder
To keep myself sober longer.
In the end I always fail,
I bow down and swallow the pills,
Swallow the pain,
Becoming further sickened by the intoxication
Worrying minds become unimportant,
Suddenly I don't miss the feeling,
Wish I'd never touched this regret,
Said the one whose head spins round,
With nothing but insanity fluttering about,
I simply wish to understand this,
Why must I be tempted by false realities,
Dragged down deep by the trance I feel,
This makes my insanity real.

Friend?

No, 

No I don't need you to remind me, 

Yes, 

I know I am ruining my life, 

And your whatever doesn't phase me 

Because I know that it's all whatever

Yes, I understand that I have a problem

Yes,

I am proactive and seeking treatment

And no,

Your opinions don't make it easier 

So stop

Please 

Realize

That if you aren't helping,

You are hurting, 

And if you are hurting, 

You aren't helping

The struggle is real

I understand the consequence 

But no, you can't just tell addiction to stop

You can't simply press pause, rewind, play

Instead you live day to day, mess up often, work it out few 

And that's my truth

I don't need to be reminded

It hurts me more than it hurts you 

When you don't care, 

Keep your mouth shut, 

Opinions about me to yourself

Don't be rude 

Try to help, or don't, 

Whatever, but don't tell me you know better 

Until you've been thrown around 

At your addictions feet 

For so long you don't remember not

Sober as of yesterday, clean also, 

I don't need you to remind me I'm ruining my life 

I didn't need the whatever 

I know my life is messed

There is a reason I'm so stressed

I never would have chose this route 

No one ever would

I didn't need you to point out the obvious

I didn't need a sad completion

I needed a friend-

Something I didn't get in the end

~Megan Antoinette

Night (Actual happenings, not so much poem, though still blog worthy, and still poetic)

Because it's minuscule, empty, frozen. There is nothing in my heart that can redeem my own or anyone else's sadness. Everything feels empty, but I feel so weighed down. 

Well then during that time let my heart fill a bit of the emptiness that you feel

So I let myself cry.

And in that moment, I felt full.

Answer

If you ask me how I'm doing,

No longer can you expect

A cookie cutter answer, 

No polite 'great thanks, and you?'

Expect the simple truth

If I feel sadness, madness, or unequivocal defeat, 

Expect that as your answer, 

And call the truth a feat. 

Regardless, I will still say thank you,

I really do appreciate the thought

But mind body and soul were not meant to be forgot

Should I lie to look polite?

Dismiss my feelings as null

For empty satisfaction,

Making my brain and heart dull

Often, discomfort comes in knowing  

So when I truly abhor myself,

Don't expect me to say I'm glowing

Peace

Peace

Is it a piece of me?

Shreds 

Still only a piece 

Is peace something that can be split into parts

Is it full worth

All or nothing? 

My inner hippie, or the Buddha god

Is it inner contentedness

Or simply relief 

Is peace a piece or part of me 

Anxiety churning within, 

Is this anti-peace? 

Peace is something undefinable by acts

It is something to be treasured 

Peace is the feeling in my stomach when  I'm happy

It's the ease I feel when living life 

It's the grounding sensation,

The one that stopped a nation,

To be at peace with yourself 

Requires you to pick up your pieces

To start fresh, start anew 

Despite the world around you

Laying there, strewn with uneasiness

Finding peace is as simple as declaring your pieces true

In the moment after I find peace

I will be able to say I grew

Happy

Let's take a quick look, 

A little look see, 

A simple peak 

To understand what happiness is to me

And what it used to be 

It used to be fake euphoria, 

Complete fantasy

Call me crazy, 

But happiness used to be

It used to be described as temporary.

Fueled by fits of self misery, 

Too many pills, and too many drinks 

It used to be real, but not free

Happiness was caged, and costly 

Now happiness jumps from 10 to 3

Sky high to down deep 

Making me continue to seek 

To search for happiness where it used to be 

Mind and body out of sync 

Trying to find simplicity and happy 

But emotion isn't easy

Happy looks like the people around me 

Able to think and be with ease

To take in the little things

And see beauty 

That is to me as happiness seems 

No facade, no mask, no reason 

Simply forward moving; no freeze 

To just be 

Freely 

Simply 

Happy

Limit (Nearly Accidentally OD)

Nearly OD out of habit 

Who did I become?

Where did this come from 

I found a demon inside of me 

Lurking in dark hidden places

Yearning to be freed

How does one nearly accidentally OD? 

Forgetfulness fills my head 

Spinning me 

Asking why I'm not yet dead 

Simple ibuprofen, how an overdose 

Using it as a crutch I got confused

Now only 2 seems a dream 

Attainable by only memory

Remember: only take 2. 

You are not the same you 

Since when is needing therapy simplicity 

And that's all you were 

Or so thought the world

Anxiety torturing and taunting

Creatures raging at the misunderstanding 

Misjudgment fueling misery 

Making only 2 in true pain harder to take

Do I know a limit  

If I did could I play within it? 

But I did tonight 

I feel somehow not right 

Even though the 2 is all I truly did take 

I feel like the feeling is false; 

This guilt must be fake

Choke

So who am I really

Was I this when I started?

I just popped some pills, were you countin? 

This broken teenaged adult mutant addicted to more than a few

Drugs always available, hopping out of their bottles, diving down my throat, it makes me choke 

Knowing that my high is too high, 

And day becomes night 

Im tired

Of pretending I'm alright

I guess it's time to go, 

I will be taking flight 

Searching the heavens my heart left behind

I wonder if I can still hit rewind 

They tell me therapy cures 

And rehab for sure 

But did anyone ever know 

How the stakes go from so high to so low 

An instant changing all

When from a too high high, you fall

Speculate

I wonder sometimes
Do they wonder? Should they?
Do I matter much

Won't

My duty not done

Life so brilliant, just begun

I need sanity

Can't

I couldn't kill I

Eye for I keeps me alive

Dying so sweetly

Suicidal

I'm suicidal

Nothing new, just usual

I don't want this back

Exchange

It's the second day

Why do I still feel this way?
Happy but still sad

Relapse

Where's my happiness?

I swear I had it last week

Drugs haven't yet fixed me! 

It's Been

It's been...

4.5 months since my last purge

1 year, 2.5 months since my last cut

But

I feel like a failure

I don't know how to breathe

I don't know how to live drug free

I've went

Over one year since my last suicide attempt,

probably my fifth or sixth...

I don't understand

Where did my happiness go? 

I had it just the other week

Drugs can't seem to fix me. 

Bring me strength

For I am weak

I can't even last a week

At least not being drug free.

I need these

Feelings to stop, to cease quickly

Addictions to leave abruptly, 

Moments to exit from my life

These thoughts and feelings don't match me

They define me as is

Telling who I'll never be...
I'll never truly be drug free

Never not a cutter, never not a purger. 

I'm not sure I think before I speak. 

-------

Written May 13th/ 2013

Fly

As I stand
Somewhere
Underground
Where subways run
I hold back others
And hold back myself
But mostly others
Because I know
That people,
People jump
And they jump fast
Anxiety races
I'm scared
Feelings overwhelm
Do I jump or no
Alive or dead
I'll never know
Who I truly am
Where I belong
And where I stand
Knowing many died
Jumping in front
Like I want
Though do I want
I think I know
My life flashes
Before dull eyes
That are tired and weary
From living such ways
And living to die
But in this moment
I'm weak
And I want to jump
I wish to fly. 

Note

Broken bracelet
Shattered realities
My letter
Was my peace
Now scattered
Through underground streets
Toronto's subways blessed with a treat
My sense of safe
Forever beneath

He asks how do I feel
I need
Is this rational I wonder
Or is it greed
Part of me destroyed
Or released

I ponder

It is regular to associate hurt with worth
Right, gone
Peace all along
I feel deceased

Monster

High

I'm soaring 

Through innocent minds

As a role model

I am surely not one

I'm a monster and addict alike

With a mind that spins 

Living and breathing insecurities

A role model 

I am

Not 

Liar, Thief, Addict

She is just a girl
A girl of not yet eighteen
She lives like today is her last
This girl, she lives fast

Her mornings are spent in a sick, sleepy daze
From the pills she stole the night previous
And her alibi is weak
More so than her future, bleak

She lives in a glass house
And still dares to throw stones
For she knows not the bright
She lurks in the shadows of the night

The girl dances around truth with her words
Creating a manipulative curse
Allowing her to gain some control
Unknowingly losing her soul

The Beginning Of The End

It’s starting to come close
To the day I’m no longer so morose
I can feel it, it’s nearly time to not pretend
It’s nearly the beginning of the end

When strengthening me are those I care for
And when happiness is no longer a chore
One I work tirelessly for and still get underpaid
My lifetime will soon be made

Things will get better soon I hope
I’m damn near the end of my rope
This is coming along
And it finally feels right, not wrong

Changing in me is my whole person
After all, life couldn’t seem to worsen
So the dreary days are soon to be gone
And I can feel the way I’ve dreamed all along

The days are brighter
Or maybe it’s from being a writer
Where the heavens seem to collapse for words
Or is that just a myth I’ve heard

The glimmer of hope seems to be restored
Filled with daydreams of joy galore
My mind in constant motion
Inspired by simple notions

And thoughts of odd are within
But that’s nothing of a sin
Because they are thoughts of readiness
And nearly gone are those of emptiness

It’s starting to come close
To the day I’m no longer so morose
I can feel it, it’s nearly time to not pretend
It’s nearly the beginning of the end

In The Air

Some nights before I speak
I let my irrationalities peak
And I let out silent cries in despair
As an angel cursed with nightmares

Causing my heart to crave a foggy glow
That which some pills might show
Making me want the simplicity of comatose
Which involves nothing more than a higher dose

My anxieties trying to complete my soul
I tell them to yield, I put them on hold
A loud heartbeat is nothing in comparison
To the dozens of times my mind churns within

I gather inner strength from lack of air
And try nothing more than to take care
For every moment I waste not breathing
It’s another I live internally bleeding

Irrationalities filling my mind like stars in the sky
Making my mind anxious and my heart shy
And all the while I misread it as being gleeful
When reality reveals it as being lethal

I make realizations about who I was
And the reasons behind the ‘because’
So I replaced my sadness with insecurities, irrationalities, anxieties,
And the sadness crept right back up to overwhelm me