I'm Sorry

I am sorry for running out 

And for the words I did shout

I am sorry for the way I act

My mind has never been exact 

I'm sorry I get so crazy

For my ups, downs, and lazies 

I forget when I go mad

That I'm still so sad 

My moments are forever unclear 

And my mind creates vast fear 

I'm sorry for being a killjoy too, 

I never meant to let myself hurt you

I am sorry for letting my emotions get out of hand 

For they are anything but planned

I am sorry I make you deal with me 

You can leave anytime you want though, you see 

My brokenness is undeniable 

And I'm sorry for being so God damn unreliable 

I'm sorry that this is this is the person you see 

Whenever you look at me

I'm sorry I drop my problems on you also, 

And that every time a part of you I borrow 

But I'm mostly sorry for being such a mental mess

I really don't want to cause you stress

I'm sure you didn't picture me like this the first time we met 

And I'm sure that saying hi is your biggest regret 

I'm sorry for wasting your precious time 

But for me it's all an uphill climb 

Tylenol Seven

If I think too hard about that day 

I remember only what you did say

It hurts more than you would think 

It put me on the brink 

'It's called Tylenol seven' he said 

It made me wish I were dead 

Bringing up my popping of pills

It made me have no power of will

It was that, and not something to save me 

That comment made me hate who I could be

No other words could have killed eight months of hard work

New scars seemed like a perk

So I cut myself hard and long 

Listening to depressing songs 

I created something new 

From the comments uttered by you

I hated myself and what I had done

I couldn't even see the sun 

I broke eight months of strength 

And went to every length

I couldn't handle your words

But nothing else was ever heard 

It taunted me when my wrists were  clean 

And turned them into something that couldn't be seen 

Covered by makeup, bracelets and sleeves

I thought nothing else relieves

So I cut and popped the pills more

And life became a chore

Your words gave me scars for my lifetime

Ones that cross a line 

Seven in a row

Marking how much I've since grown

It hurt knowing that your words made it worse 

To my well being they were a curse 

It seemed like you really didn't care 

And that you weren't really there 

If felt like you wanted me to do it 

And it was okay to dig myself a pit

I truthfully thought you agreed

And I longed to be freed 

But I thought you wanted me to hurt and cry

So I cut and took pills, I tried and I lied 

I said I was happy but felt destroyed 

I tried to fill the void

I was hurt and broken

I tried to take back all the words that had been spoken

But now I understand 

And can still call you my best friend

Because of this I am stronger 

And will be around much longer

It still causes me some pain 

But I no longer have trouble tying to explain

If I think too hard about that day 

I remember only what you did say

It hurts more than you would think 

It put me on the brink

Hopelessly Coping

I only remember my beliefs

And my coping strategies

The past year a blur 

But I'm still an amateur 

I forget the moments and the days

For my mind was in a haze

No fluidity in my mind 

Looking at my life from behind

I tried to make the best out of every day

But that still didn't make it okay

I thought the only way out

Was to do more than scream and shout

I didn't understand what self control was

And looking back it's all a fuzz

For I knew nothing right to be true 

And loving myself is all I tried to pursue 

I hated myself and the way I used to be 

Every night I would cry myself to sleep 

I would hurt myself mercilessly

Because I wasn't the person I wanted to be 

I remember the way I used to cope 

Filled with not a sliver of hope

I don't though remember the things I did;

Only the behaviors and thoughts I hid

I only remember my beliefs

And my coping strategies

The past year a blur 

But I'm still an amateur 

I Want To (Trust You)

It's hard to trust

When you can't even trust yourself 

When you've had no one to look up to 

But I want to be able to trust you

I care and I love and I try to protect

And what would you expect 

You are a big part of me, 

I care so much about you, you see 

Unknowing bringing anxiety and stress 

Making me an unforgivable mess

Showing me how to worry

Making my rationality blurry

I spent so long learning to trust

And I know it seems unjust 

But I love you more than I love myself

And I can't put my feelings on the top shelf

I hate myself for the feelings I can't control

And on all aspects it takes it's toll

And I find it hard to understand

Why I can't take life by the hand 

A foreign thing to me is trust

And it tends to be rusty

But I'll keep on trying 

And stop lying 

It's hard to trust

When you can't even trust yourself 

When you've had no one to look up to 

But I want to be able to trust you

Oversimplified

Maybe I left to cry,
Maybe I left to commit suicide,
Or maybe I just left to fix my makeup
And keep the only sense of feeling beautiful inside.
Perhaps the girl who left class dewy eyed,
Felt oversimplified
And like all she’s ever done is try
And in you I can’t confide
Because my feelings already feel implied
I feel life is a drive
And I’m just a passenger along for the ride
Like the driver told me the direction
But he lied
And perhaps through the sky I’d rather glide
Than through the thoughts of people with simple minds
The possibilities are hard to hide
Perhaps I left because I wished I had died
Or whether to hurt myself or not I had to decide.
Maybe I left to cry,
Maybe I left to commit suicide,
Or maybe I just left to fix my makeup
And keep the only sense of feeling beautiful inside.
Perhaps the girl who left class dewy eyed,
Felt oversimplified
And like all she’s ever done is try

Bridge Walker

I'll always be a bridge walker
And an adrenaline stalker
Whether I think that I could fly
Or if I walk it to know if I'll die

Do I walk it because it's my choice
Or because I hear Gods voice
Is it truly my will
Or a void in me I aim to fill

Am I an undercover optimist
Or a truthful pessimist?
Are my options divided
And my fate already decided

Do I want to feel weightless
And forget my faithfulness
Jump and be free
So I start to count; one, two, three

The edge an unforgettable sight
When my life I want to overwrite
And I see it as a new start
Attempting to find new heart

Anxious breaths hang low
As I picture myself mid float
Diving into a sea of cars
And suddenly I'm seeing stars

I want to jump I want to fly
But today I don't want to die
So I act as though I see wonder
And I'm not held back by God's thunder

I'll always be a bridge walker
And an adrenaline stalker
Whether I think that I could fly
Or if I walk it to know if I'll die

Try

I try so hard to fight

I gave it all my might

And I ought to be 

That which I sought out to see

And it's not quite the way it seems 

I try to be free, 

However something's enraging me

And my goals seem out of sight

People look at me and say 'she'

She is the happy 

The one with only smiles it seems 

But I too cry

And die inside 

When faced with lessons I was taught

And the stricture I overcame and fought

And while it may seem gutsy, 

I show on my face some sort of glee

While there is pain in my eyes

No one seems to set their sights 

Though my dreams are beautifully wrought 

They always seem as not

I have seen the light 

And been places where I've been filled with fright

And I have lied, 

But more than that, I've tried

 

Close Your Eyes

If I had to go deaf, I'd rather go blind
Because poetry sounds so much more beautiful when you close your eyes
And if I got the choice  I would live hearing voices
As long as they whispered to me,
The sweet sounds of poetry
And forever I'll sing the sweet sounds of soul
Because in poker you can't win if you fold
My words trickling out of me
Like the tears of those I used to be
And if I had to I would give up my body for my mind
Because my words are the only way I  can be defined
And the truth lies in the ink left behind
Each feeling written one of a kind
My mind is my violin,
And my sheet music is stored within
Ready for my brain to connect to my heart
And sing the song of a precious restart
If I had to go deaf, I'd rather go blind
Because poetry sounds so much more beautiful when you close your eyes

Letter Poem #7~ Emily

French Fry, oh French Fry, 
I just stopped to say hi,
But yes thanks, I will come in and stay, 
I know you make everything okay 

 You know things about me that I never even knew 
And I know I can always trust you 
You are my crazy friend 
One I will treasure until the end

My life turned upside down, 
As so with my frown 
You've been nothing but inspiring 
Your company makes me want to sing 

You'll be the one telling jokes do dirty
That our sides will hurt 
Making me laugh through my sadness 
And making me realize I was a mess 

You bring me joy and love 
When push comes to shove 
And bring me back down 
When I need to be grounded 

You were my only friend in grade eight
And gave me less to hate 
Your company saved me several times 
And made me appreciate wind chimes

You said once that we would forever be us
And no one else could make a fuss 
Because you were French Fry and I was chicken nugget, 
And the rest was fuck it 

We did things the way we chose, 
And believed there were leprechauns at the end of rainbows 
We sat for hours discussing things we knew 
Speaking of how we would pursue 

French Fry, oh French Fry, 
I just stopped to say hi,
But yes thanks, I will come in and stay, 
I know you make everything okay

Letter Poem #6~ Adam

You showed me Gods love
And told me he was right there up above 
You made week one grow into many more
And you metaphorically helped me off the floor 

 You adapted as I did, 
No matter how many feelings I hid
And you took me under your wing
Giving me nothing but praises to the Lord to sing

You threw away the knives that scarred me 
And showed who I could really be 
You made life plain for me to see,
And helped me get back some of my dignity 

A poem still isn't enough for me to say thanks 
It won't ever be even the bottom of the ranks
But you reminded me how life isn't always fair 
And showed me step by step how it can be repaired

No words can express how grateful I am
Not even the worlds best dithyramb 
But I expect that the world will know and understand 
When they see how much you are grand 

I like to call myself a we 
Because you must have helped dozens like me 
So broken and discontent 
You gave us a safe place to vent 

You taught me how God loved me so 
You made it a mission for me to be shown 
For God gave us each a gift 
And yours was that you could shape-shift 

You showed me Gods love
And told me he was right there up above 
You made week one grow into many more
And you metaphorically helped me off the floor

Letter Poem #5~ Mom

For years you haven't known who I am 
Yet you still help me out of every jam
I am your daughter, your one and only
I'd hate for you to think I'm a phony 

I have done things I am so not proud of
Things I've repented to God above 
But I'm still one who loves you most 
And to you I'll never say adios

There are so many things I want to say 
And I know they won't make everything okay 
But a poem only holds so many words 
And I know they'll always hurt

Mom, I'm sorry. I truly am 
I haven't been the best I can 
I wish you had known before 
Maybe then it wouldn't have felt like such a war

But that's my fault and I apologize
Every time I lied to you a part of me died 
But I want nothing more than to move on
And go back to being your 'spawn' 

I've been holding on and fighting
Because you taught me that like lightning 
And you always told me I was beautiful and smart
You showed me how to love with all my heart 

I will never be just like you,
Someone who always seems to have a clue,
And I will never have your strength not near compare 
However my love from you I will always wear 

Knowing that my mother loved me dearly 
And that in her eyes I haven't failed her clearly
To know that I'm still all yours 
And that it's you I will forever adore

Is the greatest privilege in all the world 
And even when our lives become swirled
It brings me back to sad thoughts of who, 
Who I would have been if not for you

Letter Poem #4~ Tierney

How can I say it and not have it sound cliche? 
You'll never know what you mean to me babe, 
There is a reason we met, we are true sisters 
Together we will face and overcome great stricture 

Best friends for a whole seventeen 
There's nothing that we've never seen
Been through a million bands
Pretending to be number 1 fans

We've gone through lip syncing,
And years of singing
Milk out the nose, 
And oh how that blows. 

 We've been through the best and worst 
And times we thought we were cursed
With bad luck, disappointments, and broken dreams 
Our tears flowed together into perfect streams 

You're the reason I didn't move across the world 
Or run myself away when bad things swirled 
We have a million inside jokes 
And could easily pull off a hoax 

We have pictures of us in diapers 
Us in boas, and in costumes 
And soon enough the pictures will be heirlooms, 
Hung in our houses, treasured on wall in our favorite rooms 

We can think in perfect tune 
From March to June 
And I thank God everyday
That I have you 

You will always be my sister
And we will be best friends until the end 
So thank you pretty lady 
For being there when blue skies got shady

How can I say it and not have it sound cliche? 
You'll never know what you mean to me babe, 
There is a reason we met, we are true sisters 
Together we will face and overcome great stricture

Reminders

Sitting in math is no easy feat 

When sitting next to hurt and deceit 

When someone reminds you of your past 

And makes your temper run fast

When someone jokes about your pain 

And reads aloud that which keeps you sane

And when someone tells you to do what's lame 

You can't seem to hide your shame

Heart shattered, and destroyed 

Mind on the field, it's deployed

Yourself filled with anxiety and fear

Something so close is no longer near 

A trigger pulled and set forth

The ammo aiming north

Waiting for it to explode from that which encases it

And trying to make a perfect hit

You cry heartache through heavy breaths

And feel angry when coming back to you are thoughts of death

Trying to forget the anxious feelings

And focus solely on happy dealings 

Breaths hung heavily in the frigid air 

Though no one seems to care 

Until you reach for a hand 

And it makes you feel like you can't 

Moments, seconds, and minutes of sorrow 

Giving you nothing to look forward to tomorrow 

And days go by when standing still

Forcing yourself up the invisible hill

And when he tells you to pop the pills, you think about it for hours, for days, 

With your mind in a haze

You remember even when it's long far gone

Painful memories turned back on

Sitting in math is no easy feat 

When sitting next to hurt and deceit 

When someone reminds you of your past 

And makes your temper run fast

Cross Their Hearts And Hope I Die

I was told that I didn't try hard enough

At least not enough to kill myself 

That it would take more pills, and more pain 

And just more slashing of my veins 

People told me only idiots jumped off bridge peaks 

And that anyone trying to die is weak

That my feelings were false or untrue 

But in my veins the blood would always be blue

Sparking interest of writing and poetic words 

The only things I ever truly heard 

Mind shuffling in every direction 

Trying to break all connection 

I thought of dying as nothing more than rest 

And the peace in having experienced death

I had my plan 

My life was to end

Every 43 seconds someone attempts to die

Every 18 minutes it's more than a try 

I was one, more times than not 

A lot of lessons I was taught 

How can you smile with your eyes

When all your smiles are lies 

And you want to die, and live to fight

And try with all your might 

With each suicide attempt my heart going cloudy 

My mind screaming loudly

Bickering between hard dreams 

And through all the loud screams 

I was told lies, 

So I kept on wearing my disguise 

Hiding in the shadows of those who were content 

I didn't own my body, I simply paid rent 

These lies dug oh so deep

Taking every part of me 

Tearing me into shreds 

Making me wish I were dead

I was told that I didn't try hard enough

At least not enough to kill myself 

That it would take more pills, and more pain 

And just more slashing of my veins

Letter Poem #3~ GRASP

Grasp; G R A S P.
 It's suicide prevention, you see
Teaching me the importance of the simple things 
And that everybody dangles their life by a string 

Learning brilliance and resilience, 
How to listen and accept
Defining a crisis, 
And finding the next step

The moment came for me walking a bridge 
All I wanted was to hurl myself off of it's ridge 
That was the first day, 
That is not today

Four weeks later I walked away with knowledge
And walked and talked myself off the bridge 
Knowing I had made it far 
Without another frightful scar. 

The crisis line is always there
When your heart is feeling bare
When you feel strained beyond compare
We will be there

For many years I could have used the training 
No time remaining 
When going downhill 
Trying to stay unnoticed and still

I couldn't keep up my facade any longer 
And because of GRASP I can say that I'm stronger 
I'm sure many others can also say the same; 
We've all won the game 

We've learned to listen and protect 
And to give ample respect 
To show people they are perfect 
We've been taught how to connect 

So thank-you lovely ladies for teaching me all I know 
When needed I pray my knowledge will show 
Real life to begin soon 
Until then I'll whistle an intriguing tune. 

Learning brilliance and resilience, 
How to listen and accept
Defining a crisis, 
And finding the next step

Letter Poem #2~ Biggest Insecurity

You can be my biggest insecurity 

But you are the only one who can make me feel pretty 

Imprisoned in my thoughts

Without you my soul would rot 

My poems started as thoughts of you

 Things I wished had been true 

And while you might not believe or understand 

You'll always have the upper hand

I am disheartened to know 

That love will never be shown

But I want you to be happy, 

So I'll just let you be 

And while it makes me a bad friend, 

I will love you until the end

Because when you message me first, 

You remind me I can live unrehearsed 

And it shows that I am not just a bother 

That you will talk to me even when I don't

And that brings me contentedness 

 For now I'll call that progress 

 I know that wishing I knew what you think is wrong 

So I'll just keep along in this sing along song, 

Trying desperately to understand the intricate words 

And pay tribute to the artists beautiful work 

You make it easy to remember that I don't always come last

But hard to forget my unforgivable past 

And it's been a long time since I've felt so little understood 

Yet it makes me feel good 

You can be my biggest insecurity 

But you are the only one who can make me feel pretty 

Imprisoned in my thoughts

Without you my soul would rot 

Letter Poem #1~ Father

Well what do I know about you?
I know the clear, 
Your name, 
And your birth year 

I know that you can't cook
And there's nothing you can learn about me in a textbook
I know that you don't get me
Something you might not ever see 

I know that every broken promise that came true, 
Probably came from you
But also that I don't hold much of a grudge 
And my dislike for you, you probably misjudged

I know that others have it worse
And that this is just a simple curse 
To have you nowhere nearby 
But over that I won't cry

I know that you've given up on us before 
And that to you, we probably feel like a chore
And I know that to us, that's what you've become 
And that from our minds you go to and from

Maybe it was the years separated
And the days I hated
But I feel renewed 
Not having to visit with you

And what's the point in meeting 
With who I will never again see? 
It's not like either of you really care about me 
Or whoever I will be 

And don't tell me I was pressured into sourness 
It was from you I learned I could be a coward 
And the days I missed you greatly, Surely have stopped

I know not much about you, 
That much can be proved true
But what do you know about me?
Time will tell, and I will see..